Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
