My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
