You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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