just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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