i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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