Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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