nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
