If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
