My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
