Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
