Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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