i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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