we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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