Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
