We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
