I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
