Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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