You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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