My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
