glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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