I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
