He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
