im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i will never coherently bang her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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