Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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