You just made me feel so damn special
i will never coherently bang her
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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