return my video game
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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