last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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