I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
