I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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