Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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