when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
