It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
