I just made out with a guy for $7.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
