If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
