My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
