My brain says no but my pants say off.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
