I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Green mimosas i think yes
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
dude. I can hear the air.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
