Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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