Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
