I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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