spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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