omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
