Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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