Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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