final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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