new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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