I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
