If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
