i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
