there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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