I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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