Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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