i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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