How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
