you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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