not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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